Gryffindors, the bravest, boldest, and most red-headed of all Hogwarts students, were also big winners of the House Cup during Harry’s years—receiving some points when Harry won Quidditch games, and many points when Harry smashed Voldemort’s hopes of malicious takeover. Now that Harry’s gone and Voldemort’s dead, here’s what the Gryffindors receive points for:

1. Pity points for having names like “Albus Severus Potter”

Albus Severus Potter
“And he, too, was picked on at school.”

2. Points for coaxing moaning myrtle out of restrooms and the prefects’ bathroom and into therapy and a sexual harassment class.

3. Kudos for introducing gifs to give vacation time to over-worked portraits.

4. Fifty points for proposing a theology/philosophy class to help elaborate on Dumbledore’s incredibly beautiful and incredibly vague existential one-liners:

And also to explain how this was possible:

And how this is possible:

5. Sixty points for proposing the first gender-neutral housing option in Gryffindor tower, which the Hufflepuffs insist they were cool with all along.

6. Humanitarian points for giving all house elves freedom socks for fighting in the battle of Hogwarts even though they were kinda fighting for their oppressors.

7. After much soul searching, the professors awarded the Gryffindors points for convincing Dumbledore’s Army to spend all of their time helping Hagrid generate a hippogriff patronus and defending Dumbledore’s posthumously revealed gayness.

8. Smart, eager girls such as Hermione are now rewarded points for knowing all the answers in class, instead of getting their teeth criticized by Snape.

9. Now that Gryffindors aren’t defeating magical things such as he-who-can-now-be-named-because-he’s-dead, they start focusing their attention to more scientific problems like climate change.

They’re starting with introducing Mr. Weasley’s car to fossil-fuel guzzling muggles.

Tweet This